R3

2003-09-16T08:11:00.000-07:00

Realised something today that was slightly disappointing - I'm not as cynical as I thought.

Dang.

The optimist/idealist in me is now snickering evily at the cynic and going "In the end, there can be only one."

*glares at optimist/idealist*

Maybe it's because I've been bumming around for the past 8 - 9 months. It probably works something like this - Having nothing to do = problem-free, stress-free life which tends to make one feel pretty content with the world.

Sad, ain't it?

But seriously, I guess it's because I've become more of a hopeful cynic. In spite of everything, I still cling to the hope that somehow I'll be proven wrong - that love really exists, that there are politicians out there who aren't just in it for the power/fame/money... And even though it does set me up for disappointment, I still cling to it nonetheless. My grip does get tenuous at times but I never completely let go. It's a kind of coping mechanism for me - keeps me from becoming an angry, bitter person, which is something that I can easily become.

The optimist/idealist in me now has a smug look on its face. Sigh.

2003-09-05T08:23:00.000-07:00

Gah. Fell down while going up the stairs of the bus today. No, I didn't sprain my ankle again (thank goodness). I did manage to get a cut on my toe and an area of my right shin has started to swell a little. Hurts like hell when I walk. >< I'm just too damn accident prone.

On the good side though, I bought my laptop today. :-) I haven't used it yet though, my brother has been monopolizing it all day. *rolls eyes*

Sigh. Can't focus on typing. Stupid pain. Am going to lie down somewhere for a while and hope it goes away...

2003-08-15T21:08:00.000-07:00

Celebrated my birthday yesterday. :-) And I can safely say that I've got the best friends in the world. ; ) Thanks for everything!

2003-08-09T03:05:00.000-07:00

Whee. Saw these on Anya's LJ. ; )

Which flock do you follow?

this quiz was made by alanna

Which X2 Character Are You?

Right...

2003-08-09T02:11:00.000-07:00

16 hours later and I've been doing some thinking. For the first time in years I'm finally able to look back at some of the things that happened clearly, no lies, no delusions, no self-rationalisation. Just the simple truth. And, finally, I can really, fully accept it as a part of who I am. I've told myself several times that I'm over it but it has never been true until now. The guilt's still there but now there's also acceptance. And there's a curious feeling of release. It's as if a part of my life has been stuck behind a barrier all this time and now, after all this time, it can move on.

And this is all because of some of the people that I have in my life. I remember reading in some book that a good friend is a person who helps you have a clear, truthful, unbiased reflection of yourself. And if I hadn't had these people in my life, I won't be the person that I am now. So, thank you.

6 days to my birthday and it's time to take stock, of all that has gone before and all that is to come...

I said my goodbyes
This is my sundown
I'm gonna be so much more than this
~ Jimmy Eat World - My Sundown

2003-08-08T09:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder whether all these years of controlling my emotions has resulted in me not realising what I really feel about certain things. I wonder whether I've gotten so good at protecting myself emotionally and deluding myself into thinking that I don't feel a certain way that I no longer know what I really feel. Will I know love when it strikes me or will I just think that I'm just in love with love, being the romantic that I sometimes am? Or will I really be in love with love and not know it? I guess it's one of those things that you wouldn't know until it actually happens...

2003-08-07T08:10:00.000-07:00

Took the bus to French class this morning. Sitting there, listening to Peter Gabriel's Here Comes the Flood and looking out the window, thinking about the articles I read this morning about terrorist threats in Singapore and the region. And I'm aware once more of how tenuous it all is. How everything could be shattered in a moment of madness. And it doesn't just have to be a terrorist attack. It could be war, a natural disaster, economic collapse or an outbreak of a deadly disease. Sitting there, enjoying the morning as the shops begin to open and people begin to head for work seems so normal and yet there is something so precious in that normality. Sometimes you just forget how fragile everything is.

2003-08-06T08:19:00.000-07:00

Something a little strange happened today. This person called Mark called my father on his handphone asking him to tell me to call him about a survey. When my dad asked him for his telephone number, he said that I knew what it was. Now, I only know of 2 Marks. One is a friend of a friend and the other is a person that was in the same JC for the first three months. Neither have my phone number, let alone my dad's handphone number.

I would have dismissed it as a crank call 'cept that the person knew my name. And my real name isn't all that common. Anyway, my dad's handphone has Caller ID, so he gave me the number of the guy. I tried calling and found out that it was the number of some construction company. I didn't get to talk to the guy though since he was on the line.

All this took place during the break of my French class this morning which affected my concentration. It also worsened my mood and I had already been pretty cranky that morning. I just kept trying to figure out how a Mark in a construction company could know my name and my dad's handphone number and yet not try calling me on my handphone.

Anyway, since the guy hasn't called back I'm temporarily viewing this whole thing as a crank call by a person who has nothing to do or is trying to sell something. Am not going to bother calling back. I've already wasted too much time on this. It still bugs me a little though. Sigh.

- A pretty tired Risa who's also suffering from PMS.

2003-07-28T03:41:00.000-07:00

Hm. Apparently there's a rock group called "Singapore Sling" and they come from Iceland. Hm. And apparently it's the name of a drink as well.

2003-07-26T06:27:00.000-07:00

Let me just say right now how much I hate TV mobile. It seems more like a way for Mediacorp to earn advertising revenue than actually catering any kind of service to the people. What they've got, effectively, is a genuine "captive audience".

What gets me is the fact that I don't have a choice about it. When TV mobile is being blasted in the bus, I have no way of switching that mindless prattle off. They show programmes that I have absolutely no interest in and there seem to be more ads than actual programme time. Plus, while I'm on the bus, I like to use the time to just listen to some music, think through things or just sleep. TV mobile makes all of that almost impossible.

I can still continue listening to my music, but only at high volumes and I shudder to think how much damage that's going to cause to my ears.

Why can't they just switch off the sound? People who wanted to watch could just listen to it on the radio and people like me who just want to listen to music can do that as well. At least you're offering me a choice, something that I'm being denied of right now since certain bus drivers insist on blasting it in their buses.

I'm usually amazed at how apt the slogan for TV Mobile is - "It's everywhere." I've got a mental image of some horror movie with a girl running down the hallway, pulling her hair out and screaming, "It's everywhere!".

I really, really hope that TV Mobile doesn't appear everywhere or that girl that you'll see will probably be me.

2003-07-24T03:26:00.000-07:00

Had some guys vs. girls thing in French class where I ended up saying, "So you do say that everything you said prior to this is the truth..." Had to stop myself from going into the "truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth" routine. Launched into full blown aggressive interrogative mode.

I think I've been watching too much of The Practice.

What can I say? I like winning. Most of the time I'm pretty calm and at peace with the world but the moment competition comes into the picture I throw all that out of the window. ('cept for sports. Couldn't care less if I lost at sports) At my worst I can become fierce, overbearing and aggressive. And it doesn't help that I've got a loud voice.

A lot of times, like now, I look back and ask myself, "Did I really say that? Was that really me?". 'Tis strange.

Have figured out what my new year resolution is going to be next year - Swear less. I've been swearing a lot more in the past couple of years. Words like "Damn" are even worming into my normal conversation. Not a good thing.

2003-07-23T05:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, this is sad. Two years in VJ have screwed me up for life. I can't hear the word "test" or "exam" without launching into full mugging mode. Have a French test on Friday and I've actually started studying 3 days before. *blinks* I'm beginning to scare me.

Have a curious bump on my elbow. It isn't red or anything... it's just hard and painful. Hm. It looks like a mosquito bite but it doesn't feel like one...

Countdown to my birthday - 23 days. Whee. This year seems to have flown by awfully quickly...

BGM: Tori Amos - Spark

Edit: 3 hours later and the bump seems to have gotten bigger. Still have no idea what the hell it is.

2003-07-22T08:38:00.000-07:00

Went wakeboarding yesterday with some classmates from my french class. I think I've drank enough salt water to last me a month. It was pretty amusing actually. The boat would pull me along for a few seconds before I fell flat on my face into the water. And this kept happening over and over again. And everytime I begin to think "Okay, I think I'm getting this..." - Splat!

And it didn't help that the shoe thing on the board (I'm not really sure what you call it) was too small for my feet. Still, it was a pretty interesting experience. ; ) And sitting on the boat was fun! It had really comfortable upholstery... actually managed to stretch out and catch a short snooze on the boat. Managed to spend 4 hours on it without feeling seasick, amazingly enough. (You're talking to a person who gets sea-sick after 5-10 mins generally). The weather was great - not too hot and not too cloudy... Not a bad way to spend the day, really. ; )

* * *

Walked by the old building of my primary school today. It felt pretty strange, seeing the building so deserted and quiet. When I saw the canteen, I suddenly remembered all those mornings I spent in school before assembly. I took the school bus to school and we were always the first ones there. Usually, we could find a couple of cockroaches scuttling around the canteen. The guys will go around killing the 'roaches and you could always see this strange white, thick liquid oozing out from the 'roach after some guy stepped on it. Then they'll play football with the dead body and for some reason my school bag was a popular target.

Looking at what I did while I was in primary school and comparing it with what kids are doing nowadays, I realise just how much time has passed. So much has changed since the days when I was a kid. I remember old MS-DOS computers with those bulky floppy disks, five stones, eraser fights... There was a brief period when we collected staples and made chains out of them...

I guess these little things mean so much to me now because I'll never go through them again. And even if I did, the experience could be very different. Each stage of my life has its own special memories and I hope that they will never stop coming.

BGM - The Wallflowers - How Good it Can Get

2003-07-19T00:26:00.000-07:00

I love mornings after it's just stopped raining. Clear, fresh and cool air that seems to cacoon you and you finally understand why people have compared air to champagne and the heady feeling it gives you. The sun peeking over the trees, gold glistening on green, shimmering drops of water falling from the trees, the whole world seems clearer, brighter. The light shines into your eyes through the windows of the bus and for a while you see everything in a warm, gold glow. Maybe this is the stuff that mirages and illusions are made of.

And, for a moment, life is beautiful.

It's sometimes the simple moments like this that makes life worth living.

BGM: Standfast - Shine On (This song has been permanently linked with post-rain mornings in my mind.)

2003-07-10T05:25:00.000-07:00

For some reason I'm feeling incredibly high right now. ; ) It's not the hyper high, but just sort of intoxicated with life. It's one of those days when I can't help but wonder how great it is to be alive. One of those days when I think that whatever crap life throws at me, I'll be able to deal while humming an annoying melody that just won't get out of my head.

Was listening to this song by Turin Brakes today called Full of Stars... parts of the lyrics kinda express the way I think about my life right now...

I'm gonna get me a bone today
Under the big blue sky
Under the tree where my last love laid,
Now where beneath the leaves she lies
I'm gonna dig a deep hole,
Crack open this bone,
See where all the wonder went,
See where now it's all gone

Look at the light, it's full of stars
What's really happening? Something wonderful
It's not as bad as I was told,
To lose all that was loved
It's the demons who drag you down
But the angels pull you up...

Don't let the colors bring you down,
They'll get much brighter one day
You know all things must come around if you leave them in their sway
I'm gonna save it all in these photographs
Keep something here for me
When I'm dead and gone I'll have the last laugh
At what's left here to see

2003-07-06T04:46:00.000-07:00

SPIRIT is your chinese symbol!

What Chinese Symbol Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Interesting... And at least it's a change from the "You're at peace with the world" results.

And "shen" is not spirit. Well, not really.

My dad's oddly amused that the UCAS letters I receive are addressed to "Miss X ". Especially since X is sometimes used when you want to leave people nameless... Sigh.

There are times I wonder whether the selection of my first name by my parents was just one big joke...

2003-07-03T03:48:00.000-07:00

Hm. Realised that I've developed the habit of nodding my head or tapping my feet to music (sometimes both). So if you see anyone on the MRT listening to her Discman and nodding away, it's probably me. ; )

2003-07-02T07:09:00.000-07:00

Question: Why do I let myself get frustrated and annoyed so easily? Why do I deliberately pay attention to stuff that I know will annoy me?

Gah.

Anyway, welcome back goldfish and Anya! *waves banner* Went out with Anya on Monday and amazingly enough I managed to go to Gramaphone and not spend any money. ; ) Bought this Chinese picture book from Kino called "Xiang Zuo Zou, Xiang You Zou". Yep, the one's that been made into a movie. It was really sweet. Fate, chance, the lonliness you sometimes feel while living in the city... Which is a little strange when you think about it. Everyday you rub shoulders with strangers and you're surrounded by people and yet it seems to make you feel more accutely aware of just how alone you can be... It accentuates the emptiness you sometimes feel.

The emotions I feel are sometimes paradoxical. On the one hand, I value solitude but I don't really want to live in complete isolation either.

One of my favourite lines in the book - "But there are always many accidents in life, and the string of the kite you hold in your hand can suddenly break."

Hm. Didn't do that good a job of translating it. It sounds better in Chinese.

Went out with goldfish today. Ate a pretty heavy lunch (I'm not used to eating this much in the afternoon!). Was given two cards with gorgeous black and white photographs. Thanks! ; ) Tried the new vanilla coke for the first time today. Tasted like coke with melted vanilla ice-cream. Would've been better with real ice-cream. ; )

Three days of French lessons and I realised that it actually feels pretty good to have my mind active again. It's as if I've been hibernating for the past couple of months and suddenly I'm awake. I hate to admit this (I'm hearing this little voice in my brain yelling 'traitor!') but I actually sort of miss that feeling of confusion, of trying to figure something out.

Except for most of A Level Math. That was way too much confusion.

Of course, once I go back to school I'll probably wish that I could go back to the slacking/stoning days again. ; ) We always want what we can't have.

2003-07-01T16:57:00.000-07:00

Was extremely annoyed with Transitlink yesterday. I was trying to take the MRT when the machine said that my Ezlink card had expired. I was still using the student Ezlink card since it seemed to work even though I had left school and no one had told me anything about an expiry date.

Anyway, I went to the counter and the guy told me that I had to buy a new adult card and I'll have to go to Buona Vista to get a refund.

And the day before I had just topped up my card with $20.

At that moment a very Singaporean thought appeared in my head - I'm going to complain.

Why should I have to spend a dollar plus and travel all the way to the other end of the island? Why do they have to make it so damn troublesome?

I decided to ask the counter again at Braddell MRT station since I thought I could try talking my way to getting a refund on the spot. Turns out that all I have to do is surrender my card to the woman and get a receipt and pick up my refund after 7 days from the Transitlink booth in any station. I should have known that that guy didn't know what he was doing. He actually had to make a phone call to find out what he was supposed to do. Sigh. Don't they give information phamplets or something to the people they have stationed at these booths?

Even then I don't understand why it takes 7 bloody days to get a refund. So much for high-tech efficiency.

2003-06-30T17:00:00.000-07:00

Went to my aunt's house yesterday because my nephew and one of my nieces were celebrating their birthdays. It's always extremely noisy at a gathering of my extended family. All my aunts have loud voices and everyone seems to be talking at the same time. At the same time, there are people watching tv, people playing mahjong, and kids running around screaming. My aunts talk louder so that they can hear each other above the sound of the mahjong tiles. Meanwhile, the volume of the tv gets turned up so that whoever's watching can hear it over the din. This only makes the talking voices go louder...

Once you walk out of the flat, you're struck by the sound of silence.

Another thing about my extended family - everyone has an opinion about everything. Yesterday they started talking about me going overseas. My youngest aunt was giving me all sorts of advice and teaching me how to cook soup. "All you have to do is just add potatoes, carrots, onions, chickens in water..." Then one of my cousins interrupted and said that I should bring a breadmaker. My aunt then retorted, "She's going there to study. She's not going to have time to cook." Then someone else said that it'll be boring to have soup all the time and my aunt again pointed out that I'll be studying and that anything warm will be welcome after walking around in cold weather...

Then my eldest aunt asked me what subject I was doing. I told her that I was going to read law. She then said, "Law? I thought you were doing medicine. Nowadays there are a lot of lawyers around who can't find jobs, better to do medicine." My youngest aunt dismissed it and said that it all depends on what law you do. And it's not like people doing medicine have no problems finding jobs as well... The subject then turned to which areas of law are more profitable.

Mom bought nephew a train set for his birthday. He's only about 4 or 5 so I had to help him fix it. Once we got the train set running, he just sat in this huge rocking chair my aunt has and watched the train go round and round and round. According to my mom, my brother used to be able to spend hours just watching the train go round.

I get bored after 5 mins.

Anyway, he later asked me to help him put everything back into the box later. He then started to carry the box and walk around the living room, showing off the box. It was pretty amusing since he's so short and the box is about three-quarters his size. And whenever someone arrived at the house, he'll walk to the door and say "I got train...".

Later he just fooled around with the train on the floor, knocking into people's legs etc. Then he moved the train over the head of one of my nieces and her hair got stuck in the wheels...

Sigh.

Started French lessons today. Just realised how rusty my brain is. It was a 3 hour lesson. The first 1.5 hours were ok, then we went for break and after that my brain just decided to shut down and refused to absorb anything. Sigh. It's really been a long time since I was in classroom conditions...

2003-06-26T08:20:00.000-07:00

What color are you? (Anime Pictures)
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What rating is your journal?
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Eh?

Whee! New Blogger format!

2003-06-25T10:12:00.000-07:00

Listened to this song the other day by The Ataris called In This Diary and heard these lines - "Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up / These are the best days of our lives"

Really? Are our teenage years really the best years of our lives? I can't help feeling a little skeptical. I remember how annoyed I used to get when I was younger when adults went on about how great their teenage years were. I wondered if it was possible that adults got some form of amnesia that made them forget about the reality of being a teen. I don't think it's something as severe as amnesia, but I think we tend to sugar-coat our teen years, looking back at the good stuff in a warm glow and ignore all the insecurities and problems faced when we were growing up.

At 18, in the twilight of my teenage years, I catch myself sugar coating my own memories as well. Sometimes I'll catch myself wishing that these years will never end. But if I look at it objectively, clearly, I can say one thing - great as it may be, I don't want to go through it all over again. Trying to deal with the pressure of family, school and friends while trying to figure out who you really are. The insecurities, the constant feeling that people are watching every move you make (even though they really aren't), the opposite sex, getting your illusions shattered again and again, having great ambitions and dreams but having them always slightly out of your reach, trying to figure out where you want to go in life, the constant feeling that there just isn't enough time, the intensity of your emotions that seem to swing from one extreme to the next...

Some of these things probably aren't unique to one's teen years. And I'm not saying that the later years will be problem-free or that it's problems are insignificant to the things one went through as a teen. And one's teenage years could really be, relatively, the best years of one's life. I don't know enough about being an adult to say for certain. But I guess what gets me is that fact that people see it through rose-coloured glasses. Beautiful, but skewed, thinking that everything was good and perfect when it wasn't. Look back at it with nostalgia - we all do - but don't try to make it look perfect.

* * * * *

Yesterday I thought about death again.

Once in a while, usually in the middle of the night just before I go to sleep, I'll think about what might come after I die. When I think that it might be possible that my consciousness just ceases to exist, I get freaked. Yesterday though, I started to feel this weird sense of dislocation, as if my mind had been separated from my physical body as my mind tried to imagine what it might feel if I really did just cease to exist.

It's difficult to convey the feeling in words. Suffice to say that I scared myself even more.

And I guess this might be one reason why religion exists. We have no idea what death holds for all of us and it scares us. So we try to assauge the fear by saying that there's a world after death, that our physical body may die but our soul lives on. Sometimes I think that we need this to carry on with our lives. If we felt that after we died we our soul just dissipates into nothingness then we might lose a sense of purpose in our lives and just waste away.

Trying to distract myself from the fear, I picked up the book Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. I can't explain it but it was oddly comforting.

* * * * *

Just heard this song called "Let the Sun Fall Down" by Kim Richey. It's effect on me is similar to David Sylvian's Darkest Dreaming. The retreat into an inner sanctuary away from all the problems and pressures of life, trying to find inner peace...

Close the door and leave the world behind you
Open the window and listen to the breeze blow through the pines
Take a deep breath, what more can you do
Let the sun fall down all around you
Let the night surround you in a blanket of starlight
I'll whisper you a lullaby
Let the sun fall down
That old dark cloud acts like he knows you
He takes up too much time, time you could be spending holding me
But he can't have you now
It's you and me here in this room
(Oh) let the sun fall down all around you
Let the night surround you in a blanket of starlight
I'll whisper you a lullaby
Let the sun fall down
The world will keep on turning
It'll all be there come morning
So tonight
Let the sun fall down all around you
Let the night surround you in a blanket of starlight
I'll whisper you a lullaby

2003-06-18T07:11:00.000-07:00

Was watching Arabian Nights yesterday and they changed the setting of Aladdin to China. Question: Why is it that whenever an english movie talks about ancient China, the guys always have pigtails? Don't they know that they only had pigtails during the Qing dynasty? Why can't they pick a different dynasty for once? There again, maybe it's the only style they know, considering the shows that have made it big there are stuff like Wong Fei Hong or Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, most of which take place in the Qing dynasty... Sigh.

Went to get the mail this morning and saw a flyer reminding me of the NUS Law faculty camp. Which was today.

Oops.

Well, I never really liked camps anyway. I decided to spend the time more productively.

I attempted to wax my legs.

No, it's still me. The big, bad, bimbo monster hasn't possessed my brain. And there are some things that they'll never tell you in the instructions on the box.

1. No pain, no gain. Literally. If it doesn't hurt when you peel the wax, the hair isn't coming off. And when the instruction says "one swift movement", they really mean one swift movement.
2. It can get very messy. This should preferbly be done in the bathroom or with kitchen rolls or newspapers spread out on the floor for easy clean-up. I think I've still got bits of wax on the floor. And don't ask me how I did that. Trust me, you don't wanna know.
3. It smells.
4. You're not going to try this again anytime soon.

Decided to borrow some cook books from the library today to try and figure out how to cook since I'm probably going overseas. Whenever my brother sees the book, he just starts to laugh maniacally. He finds it a huge joke. Sigh. My family is just so encouraging.

My mom's worried that if I go overseas, I'll end up with lots of tattoos and piercings, start smoking and drinking and have a punk as a boyfriend.

Now you know where I get my worrier genes from.

2003-06-16T06:58:00.000-07:00

Went to watch How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days with Chris today... Had to stop myself from doing my head nodding thing when they placed the song Good Day by Luce. ; ) It's a feel-good sort of song, the kind of music that you can listen to in the morning while prancing around the room with your hairbrush. ; ) I think I first heard that song on the Scrubs soundtrack. ; ) The show wasn't too bad... way better than Maid in Manhattan at any rate which is one of the worst romantic comedies I've watched. And (for once) I agree with the ST Life! movie review that Kate Hudson did a pretty good job playing Andie as she could easily end up coming out annoying rather than funny.

Woke up this morning only to hear my brother and my father discussing Guns and Roses and Hendrix. My brother's taste is music is a stranger mix than mine. There's bouncy, bimbotic J-pop, J-rock, Michelle Branch, Queen, The Scorpions, Guns and Roses, Jimi Hendrix... My brother seems to have my dad's taste in rock and I seem to have my dad's taste in jazz and folk... Hm.

2003-06-15T12:16:00.000-07:00

Listened to this song by The Ataris called "The Hero Dies in This One". The song's pretty okay but I really like this line "The hardest part isn’t finding what we need to be, it’s being content with you are."

2003-06-15T08:29:00.000-07:00

There are some things I don't understand about religious conversion. Why do some people think that it's necessary for a person of a different religion to convert before they can marry someone of a particular religion? If the two people in the relationship believe that despite their religious differences they can still make the relationship work why should we stop them? Do we even have the right? This is a decision that affects their lives. Shouldn't they be allowed to choose without having to deal with pressures from family, friends and absolute strangers about their religious beliefs? As a parent, don't you want to see your child happy? If the person who will make him/her happy for the rest of his/her life is of a different religious persuasion, shouldn't you allow them a chance to make it work instead of objecting just because that person refuses to convert? I just don't understand. What's this obsession with quantity? What's the point of converting people if in their hearts they still don't have faith in the religion that you preach?

Why are people so obsessed with the idea that their beliefs are the One True Faith? If you look at the very essence of many religions they aren't that different. The values that the espouse are similar - forgiveness, mercy, faith, determination... If people believe in these virtues and practise them in their lives, is their religious beliefs so important? Why is there this compulsion to think that one's religion is superior to others? I don't understand, I really don't. If it's some crazy Satanic cult then yeah, I understand but otherwise... You can say I'm naive, that I'm a simpleton, that I don't understand religion but I still don't know if I'll ever be able to make sense of all this.

2003-06-14T12:05:00.000-07:00

New layout. ; ) I wasn't all that satisfied with the picture but it's a lot better than the ones I did before this. And it sort of grew on me...

Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that it looks okay. ; )

Gave tuition to my P4 cousin today. The problem with him is that he thinks that the questions are too difficult for him and there's no way he can pass. When he does do well, he thinks that it's pure luck. So when he sees a question that seems difficult, he just gives up without really trying. His idea that there's no way he can do the question becomes a mental barrier, preventing him from finding the solution. It then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think, therefore I am. It doesn't help that his elder brother does well in school and puts him down all the time.

What makes teaching him so tiring is that he likes to argue and insist that he can't do the questions. That there's no point in going any further since he can't pass anyway. He's too dumb and everything's too difficult. So I end up spending quite a bit of time arguing with him that he can do it and it isn't "pure luck" that he got some of the questions right. A two hour class with him can thus be pretty draining especially since I've never been very patient...

I've got more things to say but it's 3 AM now and I'm feeling sleepy...

2003-06-11T09:18:00.000-07:00

Was looking through some of my old CDs and realised that quite a few of them were pretty dusty... >< I need to get around buying that CD cleaner. And maybe vacuum my CD shelf as well. There was enough dust there to seriously irritate my throat.

2003-06-11T08:49:00.000-07:00

Hm. I've been stagnating for a couple of weeks now... I've been too lazy to work on my layout, finish up my fanfics, post on my blog or even to fool around with the LJ account I just got from SY. Thanks, BTW. ; ) Going back to school's going to be hell, considering the most exercise my brain has gotten for the past few weeks has been deciding what to download or what tv show to watch...

24 hours a day, I lose 10 to sleep... so where did the other 14 go to?

2003-06-10T11:58:00.000-07:00

Hm. Currently trying to figure out the economics behind the downloading of anime/movies/tv shows/music off the Internet and link it with how that particular market functions and I keep going round in circles... If anyone knows any articles on this or have any theories, drop a note. ; )

Check this out. I guess Big Brother really is watching.

2003-06-10T03:50:00.000-07:00

I felt like I was the subject of a bad "good news, bad news" joke when I checked the letter box today. Good news: I've been offered a place in NUS law. Bad news: My application for financial aid in a UK university was turned down.

Well, okay, so it wasn't really unexpected. I think I would have been surprised if my application was successful. That's one of the problems of being in a middle-class family. You aren't poor enough to qualify for aid and you aren't rich enough that you can afford an overseas education without having to tighten your belt a lot.

Everytime I try to make a decision about my tertiary education it keeps going back to one thing: money. My parents have repeatedly told me not to worry about it and not to let that influence my decision but I can't help it. What if my dad's salary gets cut? What if the Singapore economy continues to get worse? etc. I know that if I really have to I can reconcile myself with studying in NUS, but should I? That's what I've been thinking about for months and everytime I think I know the answer something happens to throw everything into confusion again.

I guess one of the things I'm most worried about is that my parents will spend all that money for nothing. I'm worried that I'll end up doing badly in school or graduate and be unable to find a decent job and continue being a burden to my parents after draining them of most of their savings...

Yes, I know I can't predict the future and there are very few certainties in life. This is just a risk that I'm going to have to take. But it still bothers me and I still keep worrying. I know that once I've actually started studying I'll be fine. Living with a decision isn't a problem for me. Making a decision is.

I'm not posting this because I think someone out there has a solution - that's something that I have to find myself. And I know that I'll eventually reach a decision. It might take me a while but I'll get there. I just need to get all this out of my system...

Bgm: James Taylor - Sweet Baby James

2003-06-05T10:12:00.000-07:00

Went to Orchard today with Chris, Claire, Huileng and Ailing and, as expected we went to Gramaphone.

Where, as also expected, I spent a lot of money. ; )

Bought 4 jazz CDs... Whee. ; ) More about the CDs etc some other time... I'm feeling incredibly sleepy.

You are Mulier badasstica pseudofeminista,
the Grrl Sue. Your aggressively bitchy
"feminist" stance only causes men /
boys / male elves to posture the more, and you
fall for it. And them. Surprise, surprise.

What Species of Mary Sue Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-06-03T09:28:00.000-07:00

Was thinking about Romeo and Juliet a couple of days ago and I began to wonder if it was more a case of teenage hormones rather than true love. You're young, you've got all these chemicals in your body, you see someone beautiful and think it's the love of your life... Romeo and Juliet didn't exactly spend much time together before they declared undying love to each other. Maybe it was the impulsiveness of being young. Maybe it's the desire to fall in love with someone, to find The One that caused them to fall in love so quickly. Or maybe it was because their love was forbidden. They were teenagers and the desire to rebel was strong... Sometimes I wonder if Romeo and Juliet would have remained as in love as before 10, 20 years into the future if they hadn't committed suicide.

Then the romantic in me asserted itself again. Maybe they were soulmates. Maybe there was some kind of bond between them that just snapped into place the moment they met. And maybe that's one of the charms of the story. The idea that two people deeply in love despite the odds, willing to die for each other. It represents a desire that some of us have, an ideal that's just out of reach...

Bgm: Nina Gordon - Tonight and the Rest of My Life

2003-05-29T10:11:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, I haven't been blogging. ; ) Mainly 'cos I was too lazy and my computer monitor died on me a couple of days ago. My monitor has now gone crazy. According to my dad, the wiringmight be loose. I can't shake or move it or the thing refuses to switch on when I start up my computer. Then, when I switch off my monitor and try to switch it back on again later, it just dies. I usually have to fiddle with the plug before it starts working again.

And now my CD burner refuses to eject.

Gah. And my computer had been problem-free for two years. And now, in the space of 2 - 3 weeks... I knew it was too good to last.

Really not thinking very coherently right now... Didn't get enough sleep yesterday because of the AC-Juventus match. Actually, I've survived on less during the common test/exam seasons but after months of slacking it's a bit of a shock to my system... Hm. This is bad. My grammar's completely gone... I can't seem to get my brain to piece together a proper sentence... My eyes are itchy and twitchy... Definitely need to get some sleep now...

2003-05-22T10:38:00.000-07:00

Something happens when I listen to the song by David Sylvian called "Darkest Dreaming". My eyes close and for those few minutes it's as if my spirit has gone somewhere far away. Everytime I listen to it I feel like I'm alone in the huge, vast, sprawling universe. It's the same feeling I get when I'm walking home alone in the middle of the night when everything's quiet and I can see all the stars in the night sky...

Then there's this song by Kim Richey called "A Place Called Home". The lyrics remind me of a time when I felt like a drifter, moving from one group of people to another, never really feeling that sense of belonging. Longing for it yet unwilling to let down the barriers I had created around my inner self. It's one of the reasons why my family is so important to me. I know that they'll be there for me no matter what happens. I can go around the world friendless but I'll still have a home with my family. And that will always be a pillar of strength for me. And I've also been lucky with the few good friendships that I have, which are just as important to me. And as long as I have these things, I think I can deal with most of the bumps in my life. And I don't think I can ask for anything more.

Bgm: Catie Curtis - Bicycle Named Heaven

2003-05-17T11:38:00.000-07:00

This is a response to a post on Claire's blog - I would've posted it on her comments except it seemed more like a general argument than a comment on her post, so I decided to put it here.

Beyond the formalities of terms and forms like alliteration, what literature and the other arts subjects are fundamentally about is human nature. What an author or an artist, or a historian tries to do is to capture a particular aspect of human behaviour or show how humans interact with each other. They reflect society and discuss the issues that are important to us, such as family, the sanctity of life, greed or power.

The arts nourishes the soul. Ultimately, as humans, we crave security, we seek beauty, we have emotions and ideas. Why have so many authors, artists, playwrights and musicians survived the test of time? It's because they appeal to something fundamental to our very being. It recognises and expresses our feelings of sadness and pain and our ideals like freedom. In our darkest hours, art can be a balm to the soul, a reminder amidst the ugliness that there is also something beautiful about human nature.

The arts allows us to express and discuss our ideas on different issues and values. It is through this discussion that we can develop a moral compass of what is right and wrong. It guides the application of science and technology, such as why we won't clone humans even if we have the technology just do it for the hell of it.

The development of science is rooted in our humanity. People are inspired to come up with cures to diseases because of their care and concern for other people. We try to understand and find out all we can about the universe that we're living in because of curiousity and a thirst for knowledge. Humans figured out how to fly because of a determination to overcome our limitations and an ability to dream and to imagine. The development of weapons can also be trace back to ambition, power and greed. We try to understand and reflect these human impulses and motivations through the arts. The arts also inspires these motivations in us. A book can result in a change in government or a change in society. The Cold War had its seeds in the works of Karl Marx.

The arts and the sciences are not mutually exclusive. They are linked and mutually enhancing. Furthermore, if science is a machine, it is the arts that gives it a soul. Both are equally important and it is only by developing both can human society progress.

2003-05-16T10:38:00.000-07:00

Sigh. There's something wrong with the power supply for my computer so I can't get it on and I'm stuck with my dad's laptop with an IE that keeps hanging on me. I've had to press Ctrl-Alt-Del about 6 times in 10 mins and I can't view the comments on my blog since it seems to be one of the things that makes IE crash. My bro still isn't sure what the problem is but he says that there's a chance that my hard drive might have short-circuited because of the power supply problems...

*keeps fingers crossed that that doesn't happen*

110 GB of space! Gargh!

Real Madrid lost to Juventus yesterday. Sigh. There was an article in the newspaper today which said that Real needed a defence. Once again I'm struck by the amazing grasp of the obvious the local papers seem to have... Forget about Beckham. They could use the money to build up something that resembles a defence...

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm guilty of intellectual snobbery. Often, while talking about issues like politics or the arts, someone will say "Oh, most Singaporeans don't care about these things" or "Most Singaporeans can't appreciate...". I've said it a few times myself. Sometimes it's said as an observation, sometimes it's said with resignation, sometimes it's said disparagingly and there are also times when it's said with contempt. There are times when I wonder whether if there's an element of self-indulgent arrogance there as well; a sense of superiority, a way of saying "hey, we're better than most people". I have a mental image of some Victorian upper-class woman sipping a cup of tea and saying "Oh, the poor working classes. They have such hard lives" but basically not doing anything about it.

And that's the thing. However accurate that observation is, that's no excuse for feeling arrogant or smug. And I should also recognise and understand the concerns that most people have, such as the economy and stability. Some of these bread and butter issues aren't trivial ones. The problem with this feeling of superiority is that it could so easily hurt your cause. Say you want to increase political awareness. If your feeling of superiority is conveyed to the people you're trying to help, then what you might end up doing is creating resentment towards yourself and, by proxy, to your cause.

It's something easier said than done, I suppose... Pride can come so easily to a person... Maybe all we can do is try.

2003-05-12T09:35:00.000-07:00

Went out today with my mom - shopping trip. ; ) Bought T-shirts, skirt, pants and a new bag... Haven't bought this many things for a long time. Would've gotten shoes too if I didn't run into Chris at Taka. ; )

Also went to Gramaphone today, where I bought more CDs. ; ) Got Fleetwood Mac's latest album, "Secrets of the Beehive" by David Sylvian and "Spring" by Aubrey. First, the David Sylvian CD. I found out about David Sylvian while I was watching an ep of CSI and they were playing the song "Darkness Dreams". I liked it, so I decided to check out some of his other stuff. And he's brilliant. His songs are all achingly beautiful... Some of them have the slightly other-worldly quality and some are a little haunting... It's one of those albums which you have to just close your eyes and let the music carry you...

When I heard the CD by Aubrey playing in Gramaphone, I wouldn't have guessed that it was a local singer. I loved the bass playing in the song "No Deposit, No Return" and most of the other tracks actually. ; ) Although she doesn't have enough of that sauciness in tracks like "Black Coffee" and her vocals are sort of overshadowed by Rick Smith in the track "Life is so Peculiar" and sometimes it sounds like she's trying a little too hard, the rest of it's not too bad. My favourite parts of this album are the instrumental bits actually - the playing frequently overshadows the vocals.

Another local jazz album that I picked up a while back was by Double Take called One Voice, Six Strings, Twelve Moods. The vocals on this CD was much better. Mia Palencia's voice is similar to singers like Laura Fygi, smooth and rich. And while Aubrey's voice sometimes sounds a little forced, as if she's trying too hard to achieve a particular mood, Mia Palencia's voice just flows very naturally... And her voice is more in sync with the music better than Aubrey's. I also loved the instrumental tracks on this CD, light, languid, relaxing to listen to...

In any case, if this is the kind of work being produced by the local jazz scene, it'll be pretty interesting to see what else comes next. ; )

2003-05-12T08:41:00.000-07:00

The romantic in me turns to mush whenever I hear this song by Catie Curtis called "Magnolia Street" - it's just so simple and so sweet...

I knew that I loved you the first time you got into my car
Your cheeks were flushed and I felt a hush come over me in the dark
I got us lost but at the next cross you said I don't care where we are
I'm in the right car

I drove us slow down a fast food strip and you turned the radio on
I was confused, all the signs were lit and you said I love this song
I wanted to say I love you but I knew too soon too strong
This is the ride I'm on
This is the ride I'm on

And I recall in my sleep how you changed my life on Magnolia Street
A dream, but it's true I am not the same since I met you
And I feel like I'm going home
But not to the one I've known

I knew that I loved you when we were flying home in the dark
Your hand on the wheel while I was trying to take my jacket off
My foot on the gas your eyes on the road ahead of us
I never felt such trust

And I recall in my sleep how you changed my life on Magnolia Street
A dream, but it's true I am not the same since I met you

I knew that I loved you the first time you got into my car
Your cheeks were flushed and I felt a hush come over me in the dark
You wake me up warm from sleep and you take me in your arms
This is the ride I'm on
This is the ride I want

And I recall in my sleep how you changed my life on Magnolia Street
A dream, but it's true I am not the same since I met you
And I feel like I'm going home
But not to the one I've known

2003-05-11T09:15:00.000-07:00

Was looking at a website which sells CDs and found this under the terms and conditions:

"We are not liable for any failure to deliver your purchase or any delay in delivery which is due to any act of God, war, strike, lock-out, industrial action, fire, flood, drought, tempest, or any other event or circumstances beyond our reasonable control."

Hm. Talk about covering all avenues... ; )

2003-05-09T11:43:00.000-07:00

Got a review today for one of my fanfics that has been bugging me all day... The person said that my punctuation was bad, among other things. I've looked over it again and I still can't figure out where the problems are. I suppose the reason why this review is bugging me so much is that the person points out the general problems without any kind of specifics so I keep going over it again and again in my head to try and figure out exactly what's wrong. But once I start obessessing over something, the more elusive the answer is and the less objective I become.

I guess part of the problem is the fact that there isn't anything that can take my mind off this. If it happened last year, I'll be too busy with school and work to really obsess over it and I'll probably be able to look at it a bit more objectively.

I've tried listening to music, watching tv and reading to get my mind off it and so far only two things work - reading Joseph Sitgliz's book "Globalization and its Discontents" and - get this - listening to Chinese music.

Yes, I did say Chinese music, and no, I haven't been possessed. I still have some Chinese songs from way back in 1995-96 when I was still into Chinese music and since nothing was really working I decided to just listen to them. And it worked. Maybe it's because it's in another language so it gets my mind off writing...

And it reminds me of my primary school days actually. I got about $1.20 in pocket money everyday and a cassette tape cost about $7. CDs, at $20, were way out of my budget. I had to save for weeks before I could afford my first CD in 1996. The nearest place (that I knew of) which sold cassette tapes was the Popular at Marine Parade and at time I rarely went out on my own. So just sneaking off after school to the Popular to buy my cassette tapes always gave me a heady feeling of independence. I also had a tape recorder at that time. In order to save money, I'll buy blank cassettes and tape the songs off the radio. Sometimes, in the middle of the night of the night just as I was going to fall asleep I'll hear a song that I like and start fumbling around for the cassette recorder... I usually recorded the songs at night because it was the only time when the house was quiet...

The other day my mom was watching some Taiwanese drama serial. The theme song was in Hokkien and my mom started to tell me about the Hokkien songs by grandmother used to sing to her. They were traditional folk songs and very different from the nursery rhymes that I had grown up with. And it made me realise just how important roots are to me and I regret that there's so much of it that I don't know about. Maybe it's because there's comfort in the idea that you're a part of something larger than yourself, one in the line of many...

2003-05-08T11:06:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Chris for introducing Mecano - checked out some of her stuff. Loved the song Une Femme Avec Une Femme. ; )

Also listened to stuff by Catie Curtis today. The melodies are simple but there's just something about her songs... They're like little confessions, snapshots of little moments in the lives and thoughts of ordinary people, which makes her music very easy to relate to. It's perfect music for a quiet afternoon with nothing to do. Like this song 100 Miles:

My mind is racing and my feet are moving slow
I look all around me don’t see anything I know
I’d like to answer you but I can’t clarify
If I’m 100 miles ahead or 100 miles behind

I see signs of trouble but I don’t know what to think
I don’t want to rock the boat or let it slowly sink
I’d ask you the questions but I don’t want to make you cry
If I’m 100 miles ahead or 100 miles behind

It’s gonna rain, it’s gonna pour
Through sickness and worse can I love more
You carried me when I fell
Can I carry you, can I love that well

My mind is racing and I’m sorry if it hurts
I’ve never been somewhere that I could not reverse
If I don’t wonder, if I don’t take my time
Am I 100 miles ahead or 100 miles behind

It’s gonna rain, it’s gonna pour
Through sickness and worse can I love more
You carried me when I fell
Can I carry you, can I love that well

You carried me when I fell
Can I carry you, can I love that well

I've also been checking out the music guides for Alias... They've played some really good music on that show. ; ) It's a better way of checking out other artistes as compared to listening to the crap that MediaCorp Radio plays...

Bgm: Jimmy Eat World - My Sundown

2003-05-05T12:31:00.000-07:00

Just finished writing the Prologue of my Alias fic. It's my second fanfic for Alias... thus far I've been focused mainly on Charmed. I've got a rough idea of where I want to go with this. The problem is, there are just too many possibilities in my head that I've got a problem choosing one. I keep making last minute changes all over the place...

Another problem is that I always want make my stories sound plausible - which makes me a little bit particular about stuff like canon, historical detail or facts... At the same time I've always been too lazy to do much research. In this particular story, I want to bring in something about time travel. The problem is, I don't know much about the scientific theories around this area. And I don't want to be too vague about the details and just try to hedge the issue... Even though a lot of it will probably come from my own screwed up imagination (and therefore not make much sense) but I want it to be at least rooted in fact, rather than a complete concotion of my mind. I know I've got to strike a balance somewhere but I still haven't figured out how...

Gah. I really should stop trying to type without my glasses on at 3 am in the morning. Makes it difficult to sound coherent.

2003-05-04T08:37:00.000-07:00

But I guess the married thing was the predictable bit. Having watched far too many Chinese dramas I should've been able to predict that... It's one of the oldest plots in the book... Person goes missing, significant other meets/marries someone else, then person comes back... Just look at Zhen Qing and the number of times that has happened. It was pretty much a foregone conclusion. It's the fact that they suddenly jumped to 2 years later that was rather shocking. Definitely did not see that coming. It still was a pretty good ep though. ; )

2003-05-04T05:18:00.000-07:00

Watched the last 5 mins of the second season of Alias and the main thought in my head - "What the bleep?!" Gargh! Can't believe that I'll have to wait months before season 3 starts showing. You can bet that there's going to be a lot of fanfics about this on FFnet... just like after the first season... The writers zoomed forward the timeline by 2 years within 5 mins - And I can't believe Vaughn got married! Gargh!

Sorry, needed to get that off my chest.

But I guess that might happen. It's the norm for TV shows... you can't let the main characters have a decent relationship. Something always has to happen to screw things up. As it is I was already sorta expecting something to happen... Just didn't expect it to be like this.

But as it is I've got a fanfic idea at the back of my head... *evil grin* The S/V 'shipper in me demands satisfaction.

Beware of 'shippers. They're some of the scariest people in any fandom. Right up there with the Mary Sue...

2003-05-01T09:58:00.000-07:00

Listening to Aimee Mann's Lost in Space album - I love this CD. All of the songs are melancholic and some songs have so much hopelessness and loss in it... My favourite song on this album changes pretty often - can't really explain it actually. Right now I love the lyrics of the song "It's Not". The last verse is probably my favourite - after the first time I heard the song my mind could only remember the line "So baby kiss me like a drug, like a respirator" - there's just something about that image...

I keep going round and round on the same old circuit
A wire travels underground to a vacant lot
Where something I can't see interrupts the current
And shrinks the picture down to a tiny dot
And from behind the screen, it can look so perfect
But it's not

So here I'm sitting in my car at the same old stop light
I keep waiting for a change, but I don't know what
So red turns into green turning into yellow
But I'm just frozen here on the same old spot
And all I have to do is just press the pedal
But I'm not

No, I'm not

People are tricky, you can't afford to show
Anything risky, anything they don't know
The moment you try, well, kiss it goodbye

So baby kiss me like a drug, like a respirator
And let me fall into the dream of the astronaut
Where I get lost in space that goes on forever
And you make all the rest just an afterthought
And I believe it's you who could make it better
though it's not
No, it's not
No, it's not

2003-05-01T09:50:00.000-07:00

Was thinking today about how much time I seem to spend in my head... These past few months of bumming around and doing nothing have given me a lot of alone time. During JC it always seems like there's something to do, somewhere to be... With all this free time on my hands now I think I've gotten to know myself better. I feel more grounded somehow. Maybe I should consider going into writing those tacky psuedo-Oriental-spiritualism scripts... probably can do better than some of those script writers. Saw the trailer for that new Hollywood movie with Chow Yun Fatt in it as some sort of monk - it was funny-stupid, not funny-ha-ha.

It's strange... I'm treating this blog thing a lot more personally than I thought I would have. It's almost as if I'm treating this as a virtual diary, a record of all the warped thoughts that go through my head. Maybe it stems from my fear of forgetting. Oddly enough, one of my deepest fears is of losing my memory. I'm afraid that I'll wake up one day at age 50 and forget about what happened and what I felt while I was growing up. These things are a part of me and forgetting them seems like losing a piece of myself. And if there are strangers out there who are reading this - trust me, the thoughts that go through my mind are usually a lot more trivial and frivolous - like how cute Michael Vartan looks in Alias. ; ) It's just something about facing a white screen and just typing that puts me in a reflective mood...

2003-04-30T06:13:00.000-07:00

Hm. Have no idea how I got this. I'm terrible at writing poetry.

You are a true blue poet. From limericks to
sonnets, you write them all. Your favourite
past time is rhyming. You're an emotional
person who's not afraid to express themself.
You can be beautiful yet perhaps mundane and
sad.

What Is Your Inner Artist?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-04-29T09:27:00.000-07:00

Listened to this song by Evanescence today called "Where Will You Go". The lyrics got to me... I can remember feeling like this once a long time ago... I guess I've come quite a way since then...

You’re too important for anyone
You play the role of all you want to be
But I, I know who you really are
You’re the one who cries when you’re alone

[CHORUS:]
But where will you go
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can’t escape
You can’t escape

You think that I can’t see right through your eyes
Scared to death to face reality
No one seems to hear your hidden cries
You’re left to face yourself alone

[Chorus]

I realize you’re afraid
But you can’t abandon everyone
You can’t escape
You don’t want to escape

I’m so sick of speaking words that no one understands
Is it clear enough that you can’t live your whole life all alone
I can hear you in a whisper
But you can’t even hear me screaming

[Chorus]

I realize you’re afraid
But you can’t reject the whole world
You can’t escape
You won’t escape
You can’t escape
You don’t want to escape

2003-04-28T22:10:00.000-07:00

Neutral:
Harmony and balance is key. You don't look at the
world in a negative or positive way and you'll
never judge or assume a situation- you just
look at the facts. People like you are peaceful
and accepting.

What color do you see the world in?
brought to you by Quizilla

I guessed as much. ; )

2003-04-28T10:26:00.000-07:00

Listening to Carole King's "Tapestry" album... It's one of those classic albums that you can take out to listen 10 years later and still enjoy. There's one particular song on that album called Tapestry that brought me back to my childhood. I was probably about 7 or 8 and I remember sitting beside the radio and just listening to the lyrics. The song always haunted me a little - everytime I listened to it I would try to figure out what it meant. Now listening to it again 10 years later, the kind of thoughts I get are very different but I still love this song. And I guess this is the best type of music - music that grows on you, that always has a freshness to it.

2003-04-28T09:16:00.000-07:00

Great... Just realised that I haven't published my archives or come up with a layout for it. Oh well. Will get around doing it eventually. ; )

2003-04-28T05:07:00.000-07:00

Was reading through some of my old fanfics and I just realised that they're very Taiwanese soap-opera-esque. *wince* Some of the dialogue could have been translations of one of those shows... Eep.

Found this article while surfing around the Net - http://www.chillingeffects.org/fanfic/faq.cgi - all about the copyright and trademark issues about fanfic. Found it sorta interesting...

2003-04-28T02:36:00.000-07:00

Argh. Graffiti.net is lagging like crazy - if anyone knows of any free web-hosting service that allows hotlinking, drop me a note.

2003-04-28T00:31:00.000-07:00

I finally did a new layout. ; ) It's a fairly simple one this time. Partly because I was too lazy but also partly because I felt that it looks better if it's simple and uncluttered. I did this fairly quickly actually. The main problem with this layout was the background colour. I just couldn't find the right shade... Still not too happy with this background colour but I guess it'll do...

Was reading my bro's copy of the May issue of "PC Answers" magazine - it had a pretty good article on spam prevention and spyware. Anyway, some sites mentioned in the article that you might want to check out:

The Clueless Mailers Spamdemic Research Center - Has all sorts of information about spam and the domains and companies that send them out...

Symantec Security Check - This can be used to find all the vulnerabilities in your system.

Spychecker - Has a database that allows you to find out just which software/freeware contains spyware. Also has links to programs you can download to get rid of the spyware/adware and annoying stuff like pop-ups.

Ad Aware - Scans your system for spyware and get rid of them... Very cool. ; )

Another program you might want to check out - Mailwasher - can be used to preview your mails before downloading and figure out which are spam and bounce them right back to the spammer...

2003-04-25T23:01:00.000-07:00

Just realised that I've re-used the name Aidan in three of my fanfics without realising it... Hm. I need to search for new names...

2003-04-25T09:13:00.000-07:00

Hm. Not too sure about the accuracy of the one on the right...

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Test

2003-04-25T02:18:00.000-07:00

Just finished reading the book "The Best Democracy Money Can Buy" and I realised just how naive I could be. You think that being a History student I'll be a little less naive. Or maybe I've been brought up in an environment where everyone trusts the government and believes that the government will take care of everything that my mind just can't imagine the depths to which human greed can penetrate. While reading the book I started to feel something like a sense of powerlessness. Against things like giant corporations and governments who seem to hold so much power in their hands, it seems like all I can do is just survive and deal. And once again I understood the sense of resignation that most Singaporeans seem to have - "What's the point of having an opinion? It's not going to matter anyway". And maybe that's the real source of the apathy...

And then I remembered something - I'm probably not going to be able to change the world. Few people have that power. And I shouldn't let that get me down. I can't spend my whole life just going with the flow, whining and raving about not being able to do anything about it. I'll forget about the things that are within my power. All I can do is try to make my corner of the world a little bit better than it was before. And, at the end of the day, if I can stare at my conscience squarely in the eye, that's all I can ask for.

Lately I've been worrying about whether choosing to read law in university was the right decision and whether I'll be happier somewhere else. Which is pretty strange for me since I've always been pretty certain about what I want to do. But yesterday, after thinking about all these things I remembered again all the reasons why I want to go into law. It covers the whole spectrum of human behaviour - it can be easily abused and yet there's such potential in it. And now I know - this is the path I'm going to go.

Maybe deep down inside of me the idealist still exists. But ask me again in another 2 years.

bgm: Tom McRae - Just Like Blood CD

2003-04-23T10:36:00.000-07:00

Logical, eh? Hm.

find your element
at mutedfaith.com.
<º>

2003-04-22T08:06:00.000-07:00

Spent most of today reading and started to think about what might happen to me after I finish university. I realised that I'm a little scared about what I might become. Right now I have certain ideas, certain values that I uphold. But what happens when I start working? I read sometimes about what people and companies would do for money at the expense of the environment, people's welfare etc. And I'm afraid that I might become like that. I'm worried that I'll end up telling myself to just do it, disregard all my beliefs and ideals until I get into a secure position financially then I can pursue my beliefs... But when will it be enough? What if I keep telling myself that it isn't enough yet? And what if 20 - 30 years from now I find that I'm the person I swore that I wouldn't be at 18?

But the pragmatic voice in my brain says if you just stick to your ideals, you won't be able to survive. And I've got obligations to my family which I have to fulfill... And if I go into law, the temptations can be so great... I don't know. Is there a compromise?

I don't know what's going to happen to me in the future. Maybe my ideas, my very personality will change... I just don't know whether it's going to be a change that I'll regret...

2003-04-21T11:10:00.000-07:00

After going to Chris's blog, I decided to spam my own blog with quizzes. Whee.

Which Stupid Stereotype Are You?

this quiz was made by Erin

Not all too surprised by this actually. ; )

Which Plant Are You?

this quiz was made by Erin

Hm. It says I'm scary on the outside but soft on the inside. I'm scary? *blinks* Only when I'm hyper...

On the Which Enemy of the Christian Church Are You? quiz I got Heretic first, then Nothing... Ok...

Finished writing one short NW fanfic and one new chapter for my Charmed fanfic... Will post the new chapter tomorrow. ; ) And this comes after weeks of writing absolutely nothing. ; ) It was pretty strange actually. I was halfway through a rather angsty scene in my Charmed fic when I decided to take a break and check my email. Someone had just posted a challenge and instantly the last scene of my NW fic popped into my head. I went from angst to fluff in about 10 minutes. And all this at about 1 AM in the morning. Whee.

Anyway, it's 2 AM now and I'm sleepy which means that I'm not really all that coherent... I'd better go sleep before I start typing gibberish.

2003-04-18T10:55:00.000-07:00

Was watching Without a Trace yesterday and they played this pretty good song during the last few minutes of the show... I managed to find out what song it was by entering the lyrics in Google search. It's by Tom McRae, called "You Only Disappear". I love this verse for some reason...

I can live with my regrets
Still raise a smile, still raise my head
And a stranger God can be so cruel
And a holy fool is still a fool

2003-04-16T09:59:00.000-07:00

I finally managed to sit down and write a fanfic without abandoning it after the first three sentences... Even though it's a vignette (only about a thousand words long) and extremely angsty, it's still better than the rubbish that I've been churning out. ; ) Maybe, just maybe, I'll finally be able to write my two uncompleted Charmed fanfics...

Was walking home from tuition today. For some reason the sky seemed to get darker earlier today... It was a mix of the grey that you see on a day with light rain, and the dark colours you see as night descends... I like grey skies for some reason. My primary school was located opposite from a HDB estate. From my seat beside the window in the classroom, I could look out at these flats and a grey sky always seem to make these flats stand out...

I've also got a rather sappy and romantic view of rain. Not the heavy, pouring, thunderstorm rain, but light, regular, rhythmic rain. I always had a mental image of a couple, walking in the rain, under an umbrella... This is one of the reasons why I love John Mayer's song Covered In Rain so much. I guess I'm a cynical romantic. On the one hand I think that the happily-ever-after fairytales don't exist in real life and yet there's the part of me that's still touched by fluffy romantic comedies...

Maybe it's because I live in a country without seasons and is sunny and humid most of the time. That's why grey skies, rainy days, the feeling of wind blowing through my hair holds such an appeal...

2003-04-14T07:45:00.000-07:00

I find myself practising self-censorship when I'm writing stuff here - there are some stuff that I won't say, because you just never know who might be reading. Sometimes it's because I don't want to offend people, other times it's because I'm just plain paranoid - the whole "Big Brother is Watching" syndrome. The conspiracy theories my brain comes up with... I suppose that's why this thing would probably never replace a real diary - even though I'm still too lazy to write regular entries. I think I've still got a half-finished one there somewhere. ; ) Maybe I just don't have sufficient courage to say what I feel and deal with the consequences... Which leads to this question - what's the point of having opinions if you haven't got the guts to admit that you have these ideas?

2003-04-13T22:01:00.000-07:00

Chris, don't thank me, thank the guys at Gramaphone. ; ) I only got introduced to Mario Frangoulis myself when they were playing the CD there. And considering the amount of time I spend browsing around Gramaphone, I'm bound to run into something good. ; ) Plus a lot of the stuff I listen to I first heard on Radioio - which is pretty cool if you're interested in folk rock, indie etc. Only problem is every so often they play stuff that's got heavy country influences...

bgm: Mull Historical Society - The Final Arrears

2003-04-13T09:30:00.000-07:00

Oh yes! And Gramaphone now has a website. ; ) Free shipping in Singapore. Whee.

2003-04-13T09:25:00.000-07:00

Went out with Chris today. ; ) Went to Kino and hung around the politics and history section... Sigh. I wish I had more money. So many books I want to buy, so many things I want to read about... Anyway, there was a book on George W. Bush there - and according to blurb at the back, the author faced a lot of problems getting it published. It sounds interesting though, and a little scandalous. And there was this little quotation from George W. Bush that when along the lines of "When I was young and irresponsible, I was young and irresponsible." Sigh. Apparently his younger brother was dyslexic. Wonder if it runs in families... It's the only logical explanation...

After that we went to Orchard library and tried to find the books that we wanted on the catalogue only to find that there was "No Status Information Available" or that the books were on loan in OC but available in libraries like AMK and MP.

Gah. Damn Murphy. *kick*

Then we went down to Gramaphone, where, as usual, I spent money. ; ) Bought 2 new CDs - One by this group called Mull Historical Society - Scottish band, I think. My dad was the one who told me about them after he heard their songs being played on BBC. The songs have a simple, everyday-kind-of-guy feel to it, which is something which makes it easily to relate to. There's insecurity, loss, love, identity... Very cool.

From Gramaphone, we walked to Times the Bookshop in Centrepoint, then to HMV, and then back to Taka again, to buy the books this time. ; ) Spent a lot of money today... *wince* Bought this book by A.C. Grayling called "The Meaning of Things". What got me interested in the book was this chapter on Lying... The book made a reference to Kant on the subject and apparently he said, according to the author,

Lying is wholly unacceptable, but it is all right sometimes to tell an untruth, which is a different and lesser thing; where lying is like poisoning someone, telling him an untruth is like attacking him in the street, a more honest thing, so to say.

I guess I like it because it's not all platitudes and it goes into some of those grey areas I love so much... ; )

2003-04-12T04:16:00.000-07:00

Listened to this song by K's Choice today called "20 000 Seconds". I liked the last stanza in particular -

20,000 seconds since you've left and I'm still counting
And 20,000 reasons to get up, get something done
But I'm still waiting
Is someone kind enough to
Pick me up and give me food, assure me that the world is good
But you should be here, you should be here

How colors can change and even the texture of the rain
And what's that ugly little stain on the bathroom floor
I'd rather not deal with that right now
I'd rather be floating in space somewhere or
Worry about the ozone layer

And it's almost like a corny movie scene
But I'm out of frame and the lighting's bad
And the music has no theme
And we're all so strong when nothing's wrong
And the world is at our feet
But how small we are when our love is far away
And all you need is you

2003-04-11T02:07:00.000-07:00

Getting bored out of my mind. Just played about 5 rounds of Spider solitaire medium level and I still can't get my score past 1185. And every time I go out I keep spending money - which I don't have much of - so I'm staying home... Sigh. At this rate extreme boredom could actually make me go find a job and be a "productive member of society" instead of rotting away doing nothing...

Guess I won't be able to fulfill my ambition as a bum.

Mom tried explaining to me the plot of this Taiwanese drama on Channel U - I didn't get most of it except that there was an evil woman plotting and scheming and making everyone else's lives miserable. There always seems to be one of these women in Chinese soaps. And probably in real life too. Heard my mom and her friend talking about office politics yesterday and it sounded like it came right out of the script of a Chinese soap. Makes me a little worried about entering the corporate world. Finding a job after university is beginning to seem like a round of Russian roulette...

bgm: Patrick Fiori - Pardonne Moi

2003-04-10T20:14:00.000-07:00

Was hanging around the website for the Guardian newspaper when I saw this column. It's funny, but yet true. ; )

One McWar to go, please
The McDonald's information minister appeared before the world's press angrily denying that the fast food giant had finally lost the burger war
John O'Farrell
Friday April 11, 2003

This was truly a historic week. A much-hated regime finally seemed to lose its grip amid scenes of jubilation across the world. The McDonald's information minister, dressed in the official stripy uniform and proudly wearing the three stars that he received for managing to work in one of its restaurants for more than a month, appeared before the world's press angrily denying that the fast food giant had finally lost the burger war.

"Our heroic leader Ronald McDonald has scored another momentous victory," he declared, as the famous golden arches came crashing to the ground behind him. "Our glorious Egg McMuffins have never been more popular!" he shouted, as the share price tumbled and outlets were closed around the world.

Meanwhile, the whereabouts of Ronald McDonald himself remain a mystery. Some reports claim he may have died of heart failure after a lifetime of eating saturated burgers. Though the figurehead's iconic pictures are still displayed all across the crumbling McDonald's empire, many believe that it was a lookalike clown used in the recent propaganda film shown on western television featuring him giving out balloons to young children.

There is of course still much anxiety for the future. Huge reserves of oil can be found in hamburgers - and who knows what dangerous chemicals may yet be found when the inspectors go back into the restaurants? Ordinary McDonald's employees seemed dazed and confused in the midst of the crisis. Asked by a journalist for evidence of the brutality of the regime, a pale young worker just stared blankly and said: "Do you want fries with that?"

There is a rather satisfying symmetry that the most symbolic American corporate brand should be plunged into crisis just as the US army is asserting the military dominance of the world's only superpower. You might say that it was a delicious irony, but that adjective doesn't really feel appropriate here. The more aggressively that the old military-industrial complex asserts the rights of US companies to trade around the world, the less the global consumer wants to hand them their cash.

Hostility to the brand is such that earlier this week a bomb went off in a McDonald's in Beirut. It could have been really dangerous, but fortunately no one bought any burgers because a bomb went off. A few years ago, there was a extended battle as the citizens of London NW3 attempted to prevent a branch of McDonald's opening in their neighbourhood. The Hampstead residents wanted something more useful in their high street, like an antique clock restorer.

The brand that says "America" has lost its appeal. The world has taken a big bite of the American dream and is now feeling a bit queasy. In response to the first ever loss in its 55-year history, the American fast food giant has announced that it is going upmarket. So soon you'll be able to see teenagers hanging around in bus shelters eating McChateaubriand and McCaviar with their bare hands. Obviously when the corporation says "upmarket", it won't be going as far as indulging in unnecessary ostentatious extras such as cutlery.

Despite the attempt at rebranding, the McDonald's share price has failed to recover. Maybe the company should make the shares a bit more attractive by giving away little free gifts with them. Then embarrassed middleclass parents would say: "Well we wouldn't normally buy a stake in the McDonald's Corporation but little Timmy had been desperate for the windup plastic dinosaur."

McDonald's remains the most potent symbol of the freedoms for which the American troops have been fighting these past few weeks. The freedom of choice to have the same food served by the same corporation in every high street in the world. The only minor rules are that any employees attempting to form a union will be instantly sacked, any workers attempting to speak out against the corporation will be hit with massive lawsuits, and if you haven't got chronic acne, well, don't even think about applying for a job.

The fast food mentality has spread to everything. US foreign policy is quick and easy and don't think about the consequences. "Big Mac to go. Fries to go. United Nations to go." And despite closing hundreds of outlets in the west, McDonald's is still seeking to expand in the third world. Soon there will be very few cities in the world without vanilla shake splattered across the pavement. The west has got wise, so let's force the stuff down the throats of the rest of the world.

So that's what this war was all about. Opening soon: McDonald's Restaurant, Al-Takhrir Square, Baghdad. Surely the Iraqis have suffered enough?

2003-04-10T08:31:00.000-07:00

Currently reading the book "The Lexus and the Olive Tree" by Thomas Friedman. In the second chapter of the book, he wrote about the need to balance between the Lexus (modernisation, economic progress etc) and the olive tree (roots - culture, religion, sense of identity etc) and my mind started to wander off to think about my own olive tree.

Religion - I struggled a little with that when I was 14 or so. I still haven't sorted it out completely but at least I know what path I'm going. Family - Yep, that has always been important to me. Although I grumble about my extended family sometimes, but they're a part of who I am. All their idiosyncrasies... I'm attached to them with something that resembles fond resignation.

But when it comes to culture, to nationality, that's where the problems begin. What does it mean to be Singaporean? I honestly don't know. True, when I come home from a trip overseas, I'm happy to see this place, but is this simply because this is a place that's familiar to me? That I'm accustomed to? What are my roots? Like everyone else, I've learnt about Singapore's history - the Japanese occupation, the struggle for independence... And then there are all the times when they talk about the importance of Chinese culture to our own roots... For all these things, I still have a problem figuring out what my identity as a Singaporean is. Maybe it was because I was brought up in a period of stability and affluence. Maybe it's because a lot of the people here are more pragmatic - most of their attention is focused on results and economic progress...

Or maybe it's because we're still trying to figure out what the Singaporean identity is. Singapore was a country of immigrants and several have tried to maintain their own cultures. Maybe we're still trying to balance our racial identity with our national identity and since our racial identity has such richness in culture and history that this balance becomes even more elusive...

Or maybe it's just something that I'll never be able to define, something that I'll never quite grasp. Maybe it's just that feeling I get when someone makes an unfair critcism of Singapore and I feel the need to respond and defend, maybe it's the feeling of defensiveness that appears when the Malaysian government starts to pick on Singapore. Something that can't be explained, can't be defined but just is.

I still don't have any answers, perhaps all I can do right now is give it time...

On a different note, while I was reading about the need to find a balance between the Lexus and the olive tree, I suddenly thought about the government and Singlish. Singlish, on the one hand, is the olive tree - a hybrid of all the different languages and dialects that's unique to Singapore. However, the fact that it can only be understood by locals means that it becomes an obstacle in international business - the Lexus. So the policy that is taken here seems to be, "Let's see if we can achieve a balance. If we can't, it's probably better to get rid of the olive tree." Hm.

2003-04-09T07:16:00.000-07:00

Just watched "Notre Dame de Paris" today on DVD - French musical based on the story of the hunchback of Notre Dame by Victor Hugo. Even though it isn't the typical musical, I just liked the music - mainly for the singing I guess. ; ) Can't really explain why I like it, just that I do. It's just one of those things...

2003-04-09T03:55:00.000-07:00

Sigh. My younger brother doesn't really understand the concept of privacy except when it applies to himself. He's adopted the very annoying habit of sneaking up behind my shoulder and watching what I type on the computer screen. He claims that since my computer isn't in my room, there isn't anything I can do to stop him. Technicalities, technicalities... Does anyone out there have any suggestions on how I can make him stop? *an annoyed Risa who has been looking over her shoulder every few minutes while typing this post*

2003-04-09T00:01:00.000-07:00

Just realised that they made Jin Yong's Return of the Condor Heroes (Shen Diao Xia Lu) into an anime. It's one of the few Chinese books that I really liked so I downloaded an ep just to see what it was like.

Frankly, I didn't like it. Maybe it's because I keep comparing it to the comic version. Also, I'm not really used to hearing everything in Jap and considering the fact that it's translated from Chinese into Japanese and then into English... A lot of things get lost in translation. Plus I've watched a lot of swordfighting drama serials and the fight scenes in this animated version is kinda sad compared to the ones you see in the drama serials... I guess it was the graphics that was a bit of a disappointment. The hair looked awful - I've only seen worse hair in the Singapore version of the show. The graphics just looked too rough and coarse... just look at the Kadsuki fight scenes in GetBackers and you can see the different... Sigh. Maybe this is just the first few eps and it might improve...

Oh yeah. Real Madrid beat Manchester United 3 - 1! Woo hoo! Man U was just outclassed by the flair of Real...

2003-04-08T10:26:00.000-07:00

Argh! Just realised that my layout looks bad in Netscape and Opera - the columns are squeezed together and the green line disappears... Sigh. I should get around fixing it but I'm too tired to...

2003-04-08T08:10:00.000-07:00

Was at the pharmacy today and saw this box of cold wax strips to wax your legs... Out of curiousity, I read the instructions at the back of the box and I still have no idea how to use it. Things like "Make sure that the strips are body temperature. Too hot and they'll be sticky, and too cold it'll be too hard." How am I supposed to know the temperature of the damn thing? Put a thermometer on it? How do you put a thermometer on a strip of wax? Then the instructions went on the emphasize that the strips should only be left on for a few seconds and they should be removed in one smooth motion.

But I can't even remove a plaster in one smooth motion, let alone a strip of wax. Although I wonder what happens if you do leave it on for more than a few seconds.

The instructions also advised that should bits of wax be left on the skin, it should not be removed with alcohol or soap but oiled cotton wool. Oiled with what? Cooking oil, olive oil, message oil, baby oil or some oil that I've never heard of?

Sheesh. Considering how accident prone I am, all sorts of things could go wrong... It's not a product I'll probably use anytime soon...

2003-04-08T02:21:00.000-07:00

There's a website where you can post notes of thanks to all the medical staff for all the sacrifices they've made because of SARS. Small gesture, won't take more than a few minutes...

2003-04-07T22:38:00.000-07:00

Real Madrid vs Manchester United at 2.30 AM Singapore time on Wednesday... I'm hoping that I'll be able to wake up... Or maybe I just wouldn't sleep. : )

2003-04-07T01:23:00.000-07:00

Just read an article in yesterday's Sunday Life! section in the Straits Times that affected me quite a bit - something which doesn't happen often. The article "You Might As Well Live" by Richard Lim made me think a little about what it means to be alive, what makes someone cling on to life. What really got to me was the quotation given from the book "An Unquiet Mind" -

"... there will be always propelling, disturbing elements, and they will be there until as Lowell put it, the watch is taken from the wrist. It is, at the end of the day, the individiual moments of restlessness, of bleakness, of strong persuasions and maddened enthusiasms, that inform one's life, change the nature and direction of one's work, and give final meaning and colour to one's loves and relationships."

And the last paragraph -

"The melancholic may be more prone to psychosomatic ailments, but he is also rewarded wtih a richer sensory world. He can take joy in the most mundane of things, such as sitting on his pot, for instance, and that's reason enough for him to get out of bed each morning."

At the end of the day, in a rather paradoxical sort of way, pain and sadness makes joy and love that much more valuable. If a person hasn't really known any great sadness or any great pain, can they really know the meaning of happiness? It seems so contradictory at times - success, when it is attained, is more valued, more relished the greater the struggle to get it has been. Loss, or the threat of loss, is the thing that makes us truly appreciate what we have.

The world we're living in now is worrying and a little scary, what with war, disease, environmental degradation, human suffering... There are some people who say "Why bother reading about these things? There's nothing you can do about it and it will only make you feel depressed..." I think that sometimes myself but I don't know. I suppose there is some bliss in ignorance and God knows we've got enough problems in our own lives already. But I don't think I want to go through life totally ignorant. Knowing about these things just makes all the good things that do happen to me more precious. And the happiness that I get from that is probably greater.

Whenever I get depressed, troubled, or angry, just looking at the blue sky, breathing deeply, listening to the rustle of leaves in the trees is enough to make it all go away. From Primary 6 to Secondary School, I had to travel from one end of Singapore to the other for Math tuition - a 45 minute bus journey. I used to like to sit at the top deck of the double-decker bus and my favourite part of the journey was the Benjamin Sheares bridge and that stretch of highway. The purple-ish, red-ish blue of the evening sky above the water and on the lights of the Commercial Centre and the Boat Quay area... for 10 minutes I'll just forget everything... These things are the buoys that help me through everything that life throws at me. I suppose I want to live for the sake of living...

2003-04-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

After ages of procrastinating and vacillating between "maybe I will" and "maybe I won't", I've finally got my blog up.

*cue: applause*

This is the first time that I handcoded most of a webpage. ; ) Usually I start to get lazy and just use the editors. I actually started doing this on Dreamweaver 4.0, then realised that it was easier if I just typed everything in the code view. Anyway, I just kept it pretty simple, so hopefully it doesn't crash. *crosses fingers*

It's strange though - now that the layout's up, I'm too tired to post much...