Tuesday, September 16, 2003

Realised something today that was slightly disappointing - I'm not as cynical as I thought.

Dang.

The optimist/idealist in me is now snickering evily at the cynic and going "In the end, there can be only one."

*glares at optimist/idealist*

Maybe it's because I've been bumming around for the past 8 - 9 months. It probably works something like this - Having nothing to do = problem-free, stress-free life which tends to make one feel pretty content with the world.

Sad, ain't it?

But seriously, I guess it's because I've become more of a hopeful cynic. In spite of everything, I still cling to the hope that somehow I'll be proven wrong - that love really exists, that there are politicians out there who aren't just in it for the power/fame/money... And even though it does set me up for disappointment, I still cling to it nonetheless. My grip does get tenuous at times but I never completely let go. It's a kind of coping mechanism for me - keeps me from becoming an angry, bitter person, which is something that I can easily become.

The optimist/idealist in me now has a smug look on its face. Sigh.

Went through the looking glass at 8:11 AM

Friday, September 05, 2003

Gah. Fell down while going up the stairs of the bus today. No, I didn't sprain my ankle again (thank goodness). I did manage to get a cut on my toe and an area of my right shin has started to swell a little. Hurts like hell when I walk. >< I'm just too damn accident prone.

On the good side though, I bought my laptop today. :-) I haven't used it yet though, my brother has been monopolizing it all day. *rolls eyes*

Sigh. Can't focus on typing. Stupid pain. Am going to lie down somewhere for a while and hope it goes away...

Went through the looking glass at 8:23 AM

Friday, August 15, 2003

Celebrated my birthday yesterday. :-) And I can safely say that I've got the best friends in the world. ; ) Thanks for everything!

Went through the looking glass at 9:08 PM

Saturday, August 09, 2003

Whee. Saw these on Anya's LJ. ; )





Which flock do you follow?

this quiz was made by alanna





Which X2 Character Are You?

Right...

Went through the looking glass at 3:05 AM

16 hours later and I've been doing some thinking. For the first time in years I'm finally able to look back at some of the things that happened clearly, no lies, no delusions, no self-rationalisation. Just the simple truth. And, finally, I can really, fully accept it as a part of who I am. I've told myself several times that I'm over it but it has never been true until now. The guilt's still there but now there's also acceptance. And there's a curious feeling of release. It's as if a part of my life has been stuck behind a barrier all this time and now, after all this time, it can move on.

And this is all because of some of the people that I have in my life. I remember reading in some book that a good friend is a person who helps you have a clear, truthful, unbiased reflection of yourself. And if I hadn't had these people in my life, I won't be the person that I am now. So, thank you.

6 days to my birthday and it's time to take stock, of all that has gone before and all that is to come...

I said my goodbyes
This is my sundown
I'm gonna be so much more than this
~ Jimmy Eat World - My Sundown

Went through the looking glass at 2:11 AM

Friday, August 08, 2003

Sometimes I wonder whether all these years of controlling my emotions has resulted in me not realising what I really feel about certain things. I wonder whether I've gotten so good at protecting myself emotionally and deluding myself into thinking that I don't feel a certain way that I no longer know what I really feel. Will I know love when it strikes me or will I just think that I'm just in love with love, being the romantic that I sometimes am? Or will I really be in love with love and not know it? I guess it's one of those things that you wouldn't know until it actually happens...

Went through the looking glass at 9:56 AM

Thursday, August 07, 2003

Took the bus to French class this morning. Sitting there, listening to Peter Gabriel's Here Comes the Flood and looking out the window, thinking about the articles I read this morning about terrorist threats in Singapore and the region. And I'm aware once more of how tenuous it all is. How everything could be shattered in a moment of madness. And it doesn't just have to be a terrorist attack. It could be war, a natural disaster, economic collapse or an outbreak of a deadly disease. Sitting there, enjoying the morning as the shops begin to open and people begin to head for work seems so normal and yet there is something so precious in that normality. Sometimes you just forget how fragile everything is.

Went through the looking glass at 8:10 AM

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

Something a little strange happened today. This person called Mark called my father on his handphone asking him to tell me to call him about a survey. When my dad asked him for his telephone number, he said that I knew what it was. Now, I only know of 2 Marks. One is a friend of a friend and the other is a person that was in the same JC for the first three months. Neither have my phone number, let alone my dad's handphone number.

I would have dismissed it as a crank call 'cept that the person knew my name. And my real name isn't all that common. Anyway, my dad's handphone has Caller ID, so he gave me the number of the guy. I tried calling and found out that it was the number of some construction company. I didn't get to talk to the guy though since he was on the line.

All this took place during the break of my French class this morning which affected my concentration. It also worsened my mood and I had already been pretty cranky that morning. I just kept trying to figure out how a Mark in a construction company could know my name and my dad's handphone number and yet not try calling me on my handphone.

Anyway, since the guy hasn't called back I'm temporarily viewing this whole thing as a crank call by a person who has nothing to do or is trying to sell something. Am not going to bother calling back. I've already wasted too much time on this. It still bugs me a little though. Sigh.

- A pretty tired Risa who's also suffering from PMS.

Went through the looking glass at 8:19 AM